Still Summer 2009……
“If you can risk getting lost somewhere along the day you might stumble upon opening that link to your depths” - Annonyous
We last left off (way to long ago) as Sabrina and I had begun our journey. As I descended down the valley into pitch-blackness, I noticed the steady tell-tale lights of red, white and blue behind me, and my heart began to sink and my pulse began to boil. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked Sabrina. Why is it if you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you feel guilty when you have a state trooper behind you? I had spent the night before at Mia’s because I knew some serious drinking was to be going on, but tonight I had nothing stronger than coffee ice cream. My first instinct is to pull over to the side of the road and let the officer pass. Do you know what it’s like driving down a dark winding road at night, not sure of the speed limit, with the fuzz behind you? I began sweating like crazy, my palms were oozing liquids, but I could not let go of my grip on the wheel. With my heart’s racing, my eyes fearing those lights would begin flashing at any given moment I did not know what to do.
The silence was excruciating, as Sabrina had not uttered a word since our last turn, which seemed like eons ago in a galaxy far far away. Did something happen to Sabrina? Had she left me in my moment of need? Gone MIA? That BITCH, I should have known, you can’t rely on anyone these days! Only your damned self! Soon I was unsure of my path, the road ahead, this road that I have traveled so often seemed unfamiliar. I could have sworn I missed a turn; perhaps I should turn around and head back to safety and familiarity. Just then the road dropped as if I were on a roller coaster and I knew the terrain would soon change- flatten itself out because as Tom Jones once sang “What comes up…must come down.” As the pit of my stomach was about to do a free-for-all….Sabrina came back to life with strict directions telling me to turn right at the stop sign in 0.5 feet. God bless Sabrina! I shamed myself for doubting her! I love her!!! I followed my new best friend’s instructions and made the turn. Much to my relief, at the stop sign the state trooper made a left. Sabrina and I were home free!
As Sabrina and I continue our odyssey we approach a fork in the road and Sabrina commands my directions, but I feel the need to challenge her charge (yes folks I’m a challenger) I make an executive decision and do the opposite within seconds many a “MAY DAY’S” come out of Sabrina’s mouth as she shouts “Off -Course.” I obey her commands…seconds later Sabrina takes a deep breath and then calmly states that she is “recalculating.” I think of all the recalculating I need to attend to in my own life, and wonder if Sabrina is up to the task…how great would it be if I could just carry her with me wherever I go, having her calm and steady voice guide me at every fork in the road and help me readjust when I lose my bearings.
I think of blogging, maybe I can use this as a course of action to reach out, a way to help me navigate rough waters through cyberspace, a place where I can freely think out loud…As I have often been labeled as opinionated (I’ve been known to have an opinion or two when it comes to how I see things), perhaps I can work out these theories in time and space. Thinking out loud, outside the box, who knows along the way, I just might get back on course.
Despite all my attempts to “stay on course” with or without Sabrina’s help, it seems I’ve had some momentary lapses of wandering and sashaying away from the fray. The wax
build-up in my ears must be something fierce or did I simply elect to ignore Sabrina’s assists? Do I negate help in general and put up road-blocks in my life where they need not be? Or is it more my norm to feel as if I am indeed all-alone – is this the fairy tale I’ve fancied to believe??????????
I’ve been looking at this period of unemployment as a “sabbatical” of sorts, an opportunity to look at my life under the microscope -- but not too closely, as the pores and wrinkles are beginning to run deep and hit dirt. I on the other hand have never felt grounded, I generally feel as if I’m suspended some 50 feet above land, not too low and not too high, just hovering about in the middle not quite sure if I should go higher or crash to the earth.
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